normal seems so far away...
so, this week was really great, but at the end of it, i still can't help feeling incomplete.
OFSAA was great, but i was really disappointed that i didn't get to play. 7th in the province is amazing, but you know that frustration where you can't do anything about something, yeah that was me all monday and tuesday. I wanted to play like crazy. I love the rugby girls, we're so cool, and i'm going to miss all the grads next year, they made rugby memorable. Kind of those people you don't realize how much you're going to miss until they're actually gone.
I really feel bad for the Sacred Heart rugby team, as one of their team mates died in a car crash on the way to the Tier 2 OFSAA banquet. its so sad.
i went to my first club rugby practice too this week, it was alot of fun, i'm really lookign forward to it.
Thurs was the Athletic Banquet, and it was fun, yet the potato salad didn't fare me well. congrats to all the MVPs and Krucas for her female athlete of the year, she totally deserved it.
Friday was my monologue, christina helped me make it oh so much better, and it went over well, although there was a little tension within the group.
friday after school was music banquet, and i was soooo excited for it. maybe a little too excited, cus i can't help feel anything but disappointed. Not because the banquet itself wasn't amazing, just more how things turned out. i know i shouldn't feel this way, cus she totally deserves it, but i somehow feel that everything i've done this year, all that i've put in, including my heart and soul, not fogetting the countless hours outside of rehearsal doing things not just to better my playing, but to better the entire band, and now i have nothing to show for it. its like i did it all for nothing. not even a thank you, which peeves me the most. but then again, when has he given anyone a thank you. makes me want to just remove myself from the whole thing, but thats not like me, and i couldn't imagine a life without markham music or even just without jazz. and the funny thing is, no one knows how i actually feel about it. no ones bothered to ask. which makes it worse cus then it means that maybe it was so clearly her, and i wasn't even close. and all that i did really was for nothing. how is that supposed to teach me to be determined and do things for other ppl when i get absolutely nothing in return. its funny cus this is the year where i made a concious effort to try all year, and its the year i get disappointed. great prospects for next year. maybe its because i've never tried before, i've never had to, so i've never been disappointed, cus i can always say "well, i didn't really try" man... i need a new philosophy in life. obviously working really hard for something isn't it.
well... i was hoping that the dancing part would cheer me up, and it did substantially. I had so mcuh fun dancing with my friends, and lucky for me, they were all in one place this year most of the night. i even got up the courage to ask him to dance, and it made my night... yet still somehow disappointed about that too cus never before had it been so obvious. so a broken heart and a broken spirit and broken faith all in one night.
not to mention i've still got this virus running rampage through my body, and no, its not strep, which is what my doc and i thought, but its somehting viral which i just have to wait for to pass, and damn is it taking its sweet time. so, i really didn't feel well physically on fri either. not to mention someone kicked my ankle, and it was like pain oh pain... not as bad as when i first did it, or the few days after, but it hurt alot. as did dancing, but i did it anyway.
the after party was really good. like 10 ppl came over, and we watched Love Actually. it was really fun. we were all so tired though. bryan fell asleep on my couch. they were over till 315. but i sat beside him all night, and never had i felt so close, yet so far away, and so disappointed. GOSH i am an emotional wreck right now, and the funny thing is everyone fails to recognize it.
everyone, even my own parents who supposedly know me best, but all they care about right now is me finishing my school work to the point my mom randomly yells at me if i'm doing anythign thats not school work. its regional band this week though, so she's out of the house.
too many people are slipping away too fast. i don't want things to change. and i HATE being #2. yes i understood when you guys were together, but now that youre not, its killing me even more that you only seem to want to do things with him, and i get the shaft. especially when i need you the most. i was there for you through all your hard times... and again, i seem to be getting nothing in return. nothing is normal anymore. you're never there, and we never talk. i've known you long enough that this will pass, i hope, but you've changed more in the past 5 months than over the 14 years that i've known you, and its killing me cus it looks like i'm not a part of the new and changed you. what am i going to do next year if i don't have a best friend. i'll be disappointed once again by another person. i am such a people person that i don't think i could survive losing faith in another person right now.
A huge thanks to Christina right now. she may be the only person helping me keep the faith. i can't wait till she gets here.
posted by Kristen @ 11:50 a.m.
11 Comments:
I love you too :) And I may have an even better present than a pillow :)
newflash: you don't volunteer to expect something in return. you should only volunteer because you WANT to do the actual work, and out of the kindness of your own heart. nobody should come out of volunteering expecting anything from others: only from yourself, and the experiences you've had. if you are expecting some sort of token everytime you put forth some effort, get a job. they pay pretty well.
thank you for the news flash whoever hates me, and i'm sorry that you feel that obviously i'm getting the wrong impression of volunteering. and you know what, you have no reason to tell me anything about volunteering. this is not bragging, merely information. i have more than 500 hours that i can thoroughly document if you like. references and everything. hour by hour. and whatever, i don't care what you think. this is my blog. yes. i wanted to do the work. and i wasn't expecting the award like it sounds like i was now that i read it at a later time when i'm not frustrated for more than one reason. and if you want to cower in the shadows of anonimity, go ahead. This is what i felt, there is nothing you can do to change that. so go lecture someone else.
You're quite welcome of the newsflash. I most definitely wasn't saying that you were expecting an award. Sure, a 'thank you' would be nice, but that's only common courtesy. If the person is rude like that, then so beit. Expecting a 'thank you' is asking for a little bit much in my opinion. And I'm not trying to change your opinion: this IS the internet, and i'm merely stating my own opinion. And it seems to me that you DO care. Otherwise, you wouldn't have replied to my comment.
still with the anonimity aren't we? i'm glad you had the guts to make a nicer comment, but it would still be nicer for you to own up to it... i don't know what beef you have with me, and i'm sorry if i made you mad at me for any reason, cus i know that there are few people who would make a comment like that, and i really don't want to go blaming the wrong person. and obviously you have something against the world becuase a thank you isn't that much to expect. i'm sorry you're so pessimistic, i am too from time to time, even more so now a days becuase there IS alot going on in my life right now that i don't want to happen. this hasn't even scratched the surface, so yes, i was over reacting to a situation i didn't like. there. i owned up to it. maybe you should own up to your commments.
A volunteer is someone who participates in something out of the goodness of their heart, without expecting anything in return. Is it a crime, on a night when recognition of committment (volunteer, at that), to look back at the time and effort you poured into something and think "wow, I've done alot, probably deserving of this award. Wouldn't it be nice for someone to recognize my efforts?" Clearly this has resulted in some hurt, but no one can possibly say that every single time they voluntarily do something that they never expect so much as a thank you. No one is that unselfish, except maybe Mother Theresa. Obviously Kristen's overcome her feelings and realizes that it was not for naught, so perhaps belittling her for expressing her feelings isn't the most humanitarian action? It is cowardly of you to propose, on a personal website, that her devotion to what she does is only to win awards, simply because she considered the possibility of being recognized, and that is exactly what you did. It is human nature, and therefore not controllable.
is this another anonymous?? really, cus you're taking a different view now...??? also, you're now saying its a crime for me to feel disappointed, so music banquet must have been full of criminals, because i know i was not the only one in the room sensing a little bit of disappointment throughout the entire night. really. maybe i was the only one who's stated it becuase i was disappointed on more than one occasion that night, making my reaction to that disappointment much worse. so forgive me for showing everyone a little bit of whats going on in my life right now, becuase obviously other people have a problem with it. the last commment was right. this is a personal website, and i am allowed to say what i want on it, as are you, but it would be nice if you kept your rude comments to yourself, or if you do have something to say, say it to me in person, or over the phone. My numbers in the phone book.
Sweetie, it's another annonymous, and I said IS IT, not it is :)
Dear First Anonymous;
I don't know you, and already I hate you. There's a number of reasons to volunteer, and no matter how you slice it, no matter how much from the heart it is, it's still nice to get something. Especially if it's something you've got your heart set on.
I've done a boatload of volunteer work, and been forgotten and slipped between the cracks, and it sucks. No matter how much I love helping people, I still like hearing that others notice it because it means it matters. That helps too.
So... in conclusion... Bugger off.
With love,
Rivers
awww thanks to chris and anonymous #2. THEY understand where i'm coming from, and i've never actually talked to chris... so obviously there's a little bit of validity to my statement.
blast you and your estrogenical treachery.
Truth be told, I had to go back to the MDHS Music website and check the pics to see who won. I was there, and didn't even remember who won. That because, in the end, nobody really remembers who won the awards, they just remember who they respected for their playing and effort. People respect you for that, and that means a whole lot more than some plaque.
There were 2 grade 11s who got awards. Did they both deserve them? Absolutely! Were there potentially dozens of others who deserved an award? Yes!
There are plenty of people in the band who work hard consistantly, and get nothing in return exept for knowing they did the right thing. I'm one of those lucky people who can pull an 87 without really putting any effort in, yet there are many others who spent way more time practicing than me, yet were left with lower marks simply because they aren't naturally as good as me. I hate the fact that people respect me more despite the fact that they put in way more work than me.
If I were you, I'd be happy, because you are getting more respect than many others who work hard, simply becuase you were blessed with the gift of playing trumpet well.
Post a Comment
<< Home