Don't go...

so here's my teenage- angsty post. i'm just in the mood right now to rant, so bare with me.
Life for me has been really hard, and boring lately. i'm really missing talking to people. i mean REALLY talking. and its not like there isn't the opportunity, its just that i dunno, i feel like i've drifted apart with some of the poeple i used to have really good conversations with. The thing that i think is really screwing me over this year is having the same lunch as everyone. i mean last year it was simple, there was really only ONE group of people i was friends with each lunch, so i just hung out with them, everyone else got equal time after school... it was EASY. This year, i have lunch with pretty much everyone in my grade, AND all the grade 12s i hung out with last year... so its like i have to choose or something. i dunno. i really love my gr 12 LEAD and Music crew, and i also love my grade 11 LEAD and Music Crew, and i love my armstrong crew too... its just hard to spend time with everyone. and its like if i don't spend enough time with one group, i'm like automatically a reject, or poeple are mad at me, or something goes wrong, or i'm simply forgotten. its like i'm always in limbo. i hate being in limbo, or in the middle of things. There's never enough time for anyone. So... to ALL of my friends, although i may not be around as ofted as i used to... it doesn't mean i've forgotten you, its quite the opposite, i miss you. its not that i'm NOT making time for you, i really am trying, i've just got ALOT going on. Please understand. And... right now you're prolly thinking something along the lines of "yeah right... everyone has time" and you're probably right, i have time, but that time is what really keeps me sane. everyone needs some time to themselves.
So... besides that, school's been ok, i mean its really easy, and everyone's telling me that grade 11 is really hard, but i have yet to see the hardness to it. let's just hope my marks reflect the lack of hardness i am feeling. maybe its just my slackerness catching up.
Music has been great, but i still miss grade 10 band, all the fun that Claire, Muriel and i had, just completely goofing off. the music is still easy... and i sometimes wonder about some people and how they survived to grade 11 music. Wind symphony is GREAT, but i wish i was sitting beside Claire, and i know Anaita wants to sit next Kalie, but i know that Mr Thomas did it that way so that he didn't have 2 pairs of trumpet players goofing off in a row. which is probably better, but at teh same time, i miss it. I am WAY too stuck in the past.
as for jazz... its good. MMBB is great, except we really need more estrogen in the trumpet section. CSSM is really intimidating... like i am scared shitless of it. maybe its just that i have Solos out the WAZOO, but i really need something to play off of (ie a WRITTEN solo) or atleast somehting to listen to, beucase althoguh i do knwo how to improvise, i really don't like doing it. i am really a much more lyrical player... maybe jazz isn't for me, but its too fun, and its very unlike me to quit anything. So i guess i am sticking with it, and getting scared shitless every week until i overcome my fear.
Boys i definetly do NOT have time for, so don't even bother asking.
And yet... the thing that really bugs me is when people are always complaining about hwo they "don't have time" and look what i'm doing. but the truth is, i really don't. don't believe me if you want to, but if you would like to bring it up, i will certainly share my schedule with you.
as my last teenage-angsty point, i want to say sorry. sorry for everythign i have done that has upset you. i really don't mean it, and its really killing me to have peopel mad at me. Especially when i knwo there really isn't anything i can do to make it better. I hate it even more when people pretend that there isn't anything wrong. TELL ME YOUR BEEF. i won't snap. i promise. i'd rather you tell me upfront exactly what you think of me, than me spend days, months, or years guessing. i don't know if i've said it enough, but i miss you. even if you don't miss me in return, i miss you. Even though i am surrounded by friends, i sometimes feel so alone in this world. i've felt so empty lately. i need to really live again.

Life is too short.